REGINA SPEKTOR IS GOING TO BE AT BONNAROO!!!
Guess who’s going to bonnaroo!
The rest of the line up is pretty awesome too. I just have a lesbian relationship with Regina Spektor.
Just another college girl.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
konstantine - something corporate.
Notice the fleur-de-lis earring. Goooo Saints!
(Dear Payton Manning, I am sorry. I still love you. The Saints are just better as a whole)
I'm having a rough night.
It’s only been a week. I’m not ok. I hate being around people, especially big groups of people. I hate being alone even more.
I’m so fucking irrationally clingy right now. I hate it, but I can’t help it. I just need the reassurance that people are real, that they aren’t dissappearing.
I’m glad I didn’t need you desperately.
I kind of just want to go to sleep, bitsomething just doesn’t feel right. I’m scared I’m going to wake up screaming tonight.
I’m so thankful for my republican coworker. He provided company and cigarettes. What more could a girl want at one in the morning?
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Ingrid Michaelson- “Breakable”
Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Tweet - “Oops, Oh My”
LIFE LESSON: If you’re going to dyke around with Missy Elliott, don’t cross her after she’s gotten you are record deal. You listening, Tweet? You listening now that the only VIP treatment you get is the discount you get at the food court for being a manager at the Buckle?
Do. Not. Cross a power dyke. \m//
My mom passed away early Friday morning after being removed from life support.
Those words still sound unreal to me. I choke on them whenever I attempt to say them out loud. I killed my mother. Logically, I know that choosing to take my mom off life support was the right decision, but that doesn’t keep me from waking up in the middle of the night crying and seeing images of her struggling to keep breathing for three hours after they took her breathing tube out. No one should ever have to watch their mother die. But I promised her I’d be there, I had to be there. The sounds were horrifying. The way her eyes looked… I’ll never forget the way her eyes looked. They were blank and scary, but somehow they still looked scared. She was too sick to recover. Her adrenal gland had shut down, her kidneys were starting to fail, her lung was partially collapsed, she wasn’t making enough white bloodcells, she had multiple blood clots and she was septic. Her fever had stayed at 105 for so long, the doctors were fairly sure she had brain damage. I knew as soon as I walked in the room on Wednesday night that my mom was gone. Still though, I was there alone and I talked to the women alone, and I made the decision first to remove her from life support. I killed her, or rather, I made some very nice doctors and nurses kill her. The people that matter to me agreed with my decision, and really, I don’t regret it. I know that she’s not hurting anymore. I know how tired she was of being sick.
I am not okay. I don’t understand how anyone can expect me to be. I am doing the best I can. I laugh sometimes and I smile sometimes. But my heart is fairly broken. Every day I have to make myself get out of bed and I am only doing it because I know she would want me to. I can’t stand being around people. I don’t even know why really, but I get so anxious. I hate the looks I get from people that know. The “oh, poor Breanna. Her mom died” look. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t know what to do or say either. I hate the people that don’t know just as much because they don’t understand why I seem so detached, why it’s such an effort for me to smile. Nothing is the same anymore.I am alone. I know really I’m not… I have people that care about me. Great aunts and family friends that are more than happy to take me in. But it’s not the same. I didn’t realize it until now, but home isn’t a place. It’s a person. My mom was my home. I don’t have that anymore. She was my safety net and now I’m standing all alone a thousand feet above the ground and trying not to fall. No one will ever understand me the way my mother did. There is no replacement for her and I just feel empty. I know eventually it will get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I don’t know that any of this makes sense really, but then again, nothing really makes sense to me right now.
