Some personal crap that is totally unnecessary to read.
Last week was bad. Really bad. One of the worst weeks I think I might have ever had. Someone made a comment that, while slightly rude, should not have affected me nearly as much as it did. It was simple really. He said I was self-centered. I should have been able to laugh it off. But I couldn’t. I still haven’t completely. The reason it’s still bothering me so much is because it’s true. I am self-centered. It’s not like this is a new realization. It’s something I have always known.
I like to say that I am working on it, that I am trying to be better. The truth is, I’m not. I don’t always care about other people. God, that’s so fucking awful. I don’t even know how to change it though. How do you go go about changing something that is such a part of who you are? Is it even possible?
Can I will myself to care about things, about people, when I just don’t? It’s weird really because there are some things I care about and I do love all those that I am close too, but as a whole, I don’t give a fuck. My world, my experiences are always going to be more important than yours. Is that wrong? Probably. I don’t even know why… I don’t realize it until after I have done it. I do care that your day was bad, it just doesn’t matter as much as the fact that my day was bad.
You know, the more time I spend thinking about myself, like actually analyzing my personality, the less I like myself. I’m not honest or caring or selfless. I’m rude and judgmental and self-involved. I don’t really like people; I only like them in theory. Am I capable of changing myself… of becoming less judgmental and less self-centered? I think I am, but I don’t know if I am willing to or ever will.
I have a test tomorrow which I am not studying for.
Normally, this would be a facebook status but since my younger cousin is now on facebook and lets my aunt see my statuses, which leads to my aunt telling my mom I am not doing well in college, I think I should refrain from status updating.
I can’t believe I took her for granted so much. I wish there was more I could do for her though. I feel like I should be saying something important and significant, but instead I’m just talking about my stupid English paper.
Typically, I would not be this thrilled over a b, but you must understand that my intro to fiction class has caused me numerous sleepless nights because I never know what the fuck my professor is talking about with all his deep literary bullshit. Honestly, I have never felt as stupid as I do while sitting in that class, so the fact that I can get a b on a paper and numerous nice comments just totally rebuilt my literary self esteem. I am also officially sure I want to be an english major now.
This weekend a group of nine people, including myself, went to D.C for the National Equality March. There were two cars and the drive was really long but fun. We stopped a lot so that helped it from being crazy boring. We got to D.C Saturday night and the partying commenced. Apparently, Georgetown kids like to party. Everyone I was with managed to stay slightly sober, except me. I always drink so responsibly here because I am usually coming back to campus and need to be able to at least appear sober. In D.C, I didn’t have to worry so I got really drunk, and remained so for a long time. I apparently tried to convince Michelle that a gay boy liked her, hit my head on a tree, and talked about squirrels… I don’t remember any of this. I made a friend that I added to facebook though. I always make friends when I am drunk. I should drink more often.
The next morning I was still a little drunk as we gathered for the march. We were near the front in the huge crowd of people. It was amazing to see. Being that I am me, I found the children that were walking and chanting with their parents especially adorable. I got pretty close to the cast of Hair while marching. Those boys are so pretty. I had never been in D.C before so I was totally in tourist mode for a bit of the march. It was amazing to see all of these historic places for the first time while there was this huge march for equality going on. It felt more important somehow.
Listening to the speakers at the rally was amazing. Cynthia Nixon gave what was probably my favorite speech. Also, she was on Sex and the City. I’m just a huge fan and I could see her. It was awesome. Judy Shepard and Lt. Dan Choy were very powerful speakers as well. However, I was starting to get sober and was very dehydrated. As a group we decided to leave early. I will never stop kicking myself as a result of that decision. Seriously, right after we left, Lady Gaga spoke and performed. Lady Gaga is that person I love to hate. But I would have loved to see her perform.
That is really long, so to sum it all up… the equality march in D.C was really great.