January 2010
Has been crazy. Oh so very crazy.
Good: Derek is officially my boyfriend.
Bad: I had to talk to a very nice lady, in very polite tones, about taking my mom off life support. This is the hardest decesion I have ever been faced with.
I’m emotionally needy and somewhat clingy with the people I care most about under normal circumstances. Right now, it’s fucking ridiculous. I need to be in constant contact with someone or I just freak out. If I call or text, and get no reply, my mind jumps to the worst conclusions. Even, when I am talking to someone, I’m not myself. I’m distant and maybe just a little resentful.
When I’m on my own I think too much. I don’t want to think at all.
I feel sorry for the people that are having to deal with me the most right now. I know it’s not easy but I’m thankful.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
They turn me into someone I don’t know. I’m falsly happy with the nurses, falsely optimistic with the other people filling the waiting rooms.
The truth is, I hate them. I hate the people that have loved ones that are getting better. I hate the doctors and nurses for not making my mom better.
I just want to run away until this is over. I want to pretend none of it’s real. That’s hard to do, especially when your mom is lying unconcious with her eyes open. Her eyes don’t look like they are supposed to.
Fuck, I really hate this.
My mom was getting better, but now she’s much worse.
I don’t wanna go. Going means accepting it’s real.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone, not my family, not my best friend, not anyone. I’m doing as much as I can. But I’m drowning in guilt. What do they want from me? I can’t deal with this again.
- Me: Well, obviously, I should just come to your office and we could warm each other up. ;)
- Him: ok. when can you be here?
- Me: I just tried really hard to apparate. It didn't work.
- Him: lol. you are amazing. get a portkey
- Me: I held onto this old shoe for a while, but nothing happened.
- Me: And now I need some germ-x
- Him: lol
- Me: I like you.
- Him: its mutual
- Him: i thought you were going to use the flew network
- Me: I'm lacking a fireplace.
- Him: and since you are a pretty liberal girl, you probably don't have a broom either
- Me: Haha. I do. But it's to tiny to ride.
- Him: lol
- Me: (that's what she said)
- Him: i don't recall her saying anything. she was gagging.
It happens most late at night. I start to over analyze things and freak out. Things like is he just rebounding… Or does he just want to get laid and know he has a pretty good shot. I don’t want to be just a sexual relationship for once. That scares me a little. He’s such a part of my everyday life already. It would be so weird if that changed for some reason.
I don’t trust this. My happiness. It seems unreal. Things don’t work out like this for me.
I’m sure this sounds angsty or whatever. But, oh well. It’s almost 3am. I’m allowed to be a little angsty.
Meaning, I am the only person I know that spells Breanna right.
When did I turn into a pubescent boy that’s never gonna get laid? Not okay.
And he’s coming here in a month. I’m nervously excited.
I can never spend money again, but it’s gonna be so worth it.
Went and saw A Single Man with Mitch, Misch, Gabby, and Elizabeth. It was not really a cheerful movie but it was amazing. Colin Firth doesn’t get enough credit for being such a good actor. A lot of kind of big names had small parts too. I always like that, recognizing the girl that just plays the next door neighbor makes me feel smart.
After, we were looking for somewhere to eat. We saw a place with a spanish name and assumed it was a Mexican resturaunt, obvs. Upon actually arriving at said place, we realized it was a Spanish grocery store. I laughed. Hard.
We ended up at waffle house and I had so much food. I laughed a lot. I’ve missed Gabby and Elizabeth. I have fun with them.
I’m super tired right now, but not ready for sleeping yet.
