I’m emotionally needy and somewhat clingy with the people I care most about under normal circumstances. Right now, it’s fucking ridiculous. I need to be in constant contact with someone or I just freak out. If I call or text, and get no reply, my mind jumps to the worst conclusions. Even, when I am talking to someone, I’m not myself. I’m distant and maybe just a little resentful.
When I’m on my own I think too much. I don’t want to think at all.
I feel sorry for the people that are having to deal with me the most right now. I know it’s not easy but I’m thankful.
They turn me into someone I don’t know. I’m falsly happy with the nurses, falsely optimistic with the other people filling the waiting rooms.
The truth is, I hate them. I hate the people that have loved ones that are getting better. I hate the doctors and nurses for not making my mom better.
I just want to run away until this is over. I want to pretend none of it’s real. That’s hard to do, especially when your mom is lying unconcious with her eyes open. Her eyes don’t look like they are supposed to.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone, not my family, not my best friend, not anyone. I’m doing as much as I can. But I’m drowning in guilt. What do they want from me? I can’t deal with this again.
I hate when I get totally in my head about things.
It happens most late at night. I start to over analyze things and freak out. Things like is he just rebounding… Or does he just want to get laid and know he has a pretty good shot. I don’t want to be just a sexual relationship for once. That scares me a little. He’s such a part of my everyday life already. It would be so weird if that changed for some reason.
I don’t trust this. My happiness. It seems unreal. Things don’t work out like this for me.
I’m sure this sounds angsty or whatever. But, oh well. It’s almost 3am. I’m allowed to be a little angsty.
Went and saw A Single Man with Mitch, Misch, Gabby, and Elizabeth. It was not really a cheerful movie but it was amazing. Colin Firth doesn’t get enough credit for being such a good actor. A lot of kind of big names had small parts too. I always like that, recognizing the girl that just plays the next door neighbor makes me feel smart.
After, we were looking for somewhere to eat. We saw a place with a spanish name and assumed it was a Mexican resturaunt, obvs. Upon actually arriving at said place, we realized it was a Spanish grocery store. I laughed. Hard.
We ended up at waffle house and I had so much food. I laughed a lot. I’ve missed Gabby and Elizabeth. I have fun with them.
I’m super tired right now, but not ready for sleeping yet.
I hate that so many people I know are acting different than they normally would. My mom is very sick and she could die. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m the same person I have always been. I don’t need anyone to baby me. I understand though. I wouldn’t know what to say if the situation was reversed. I’m losing it a little, but right now she seems ok and right now is all I have.
So, classes started today, and I’m sleep deprived, which probably only makes all these things I’m feeling worse. I don’t want to deal with this right now, but is it possible to not deal with your own crazy emotions (yes, but it requires large amounts of alcohol).
My mom is in the hospital again. She just keeps having complications. I hate not being there. I feel like I’m letting her down. I could go home this weekend, Mitch offered, but for his own reasons (not that I blame him). But I don’t want to. I don’t want to deal with her being sick anymore. I’m so tired of it. I just want things to go back to normal and I know that makes me terribly selfish, but I can’t help it.
My birthdays Friday. I just want to enjoy it. I’ll be twenty. That’s kind of a big deal. But no one really seems to care. And I don’t even really care that much. It just sucks.
I hate starting this routine again. I hate that he’s getting married and it’s awkward. I hate that we aren’t friends like we use to be.
I hate that the boy with benefits and I have such clashing schedules.
Really, I just hate everything right now. Hopefully, sleep will help.
Do you ever have on of those days were you just feel completely boring?
Well, I am having that day. I spent the day around a bunch of my co-workers and they are all just so much more interesting than I am. They own motorcycles, go caving, hike long distances, play guitar, snowboard, and make me feel like I have no life.
Really, I feel so boring right now it’s not even funny. The fact that I am spending my Friday night hanging up clothes and organizing my sock drawer probably doesn’t help. But whatever. I’m tired.