D. had some work to do today with another guy on this company thing. Which is fine. Except he lives in a teeny tiny STUDIO APARTMENT. There is no where for me to escape to. I’m kind of tired of listening to the technical talk. I just want to go climb under the covers until I feel better.
I know that I am whining. But I feel so terrible right now and that makes me whiny. Sorry.
Two Advil in and my head (and just upper body in general) is still all achy. My body needs to get the fuck over it. I do not want to be all sick right now.
I went to the mall and there was a giant forever 21. And I just decided I had to have pretty clothes. I got home only to realize that I hate the way one of the dresses fits my hips. It gets too tight and just weird. Blurgh. I hate when that happens.
D. and I spent our anniversary (today) shopping together.
It was fun. We went to ikea (holy crap, i love ikea) and bought some things for his apartment. It was nice getting to have an opinion about what he bought. We came home and assembled things. I put a table together all by myself. Now, he is making me a late dinner. It’s pretty adorable.
But there are six people in a two bedroom apartment right now. It’s smoother than you would expect, but considering I am used to having my two bedroom apartment mostly to myself, it’s a little disconcerting.
Amazingly, this Christmas has been good. I miss my mom but I’m ok. D.’s family helps immensely.
I miss my mom, but being here makes it better. I was planning on riding with a friend but that didn’t work out. Derek’s parents drove from Nashville to Knoxville in order to take me home. I appreciate more than anyone knows. Home is good for me.
I made cookies with my younger cousins last night and I finished getting everyone’s Christmas present’s ready today. Now I am playing Wii. (and I am pretty sure I am getting one for christmas! sweet)
The case against Assange, which has been the subject of intense speculation and dispute in mainstream media and on the internet, is laid out in police material held in Stockholm to which the Guardian received unauthorised access.
Read it, and tell me again why you think rape allegations are being used as a conspiracy against Wikileaks, or rather, why don’t you check yourself and stop perpetuating the rape culture. Just a thought.
Remember how he kept insisting that Congress, not the courts, repeal this shameful law?
Looks like he knew what he was doing after all.
By a vote of 65 to 31, with eight Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate approved and sent to President Obama a repeal of the Clinton-era law, known as “don’t ask, don’t tell,” a policy critics said amounted to government-sanctioned discrimination that treated gay and lesbian troops as second-class citizens.
Mr. Obama hailed the action, which fulfills his pledge to reverse the ban. “As commander in chief, I am also absolutely convinced that making this change will only underscore the professionalism of our troops as the best led and best trained fighting force the world has ever known,” Mr. Obama said in a statement after the Senate, on a 63-33 vote, beat back Republican efforts to block a final vote on the repeal bill.
The vote marked a historic moment that some equated with the end of racial segregation in the military. It followed a review by the Pentagon that found little concern in the military about lifting the ban and was backed by Pentagon officials as a better alternative to a court-ordered end.
Supporters of the repeal said it was long past time to end what they saw as an ill-advised practice that cost valuable personnel and forced troops to lie to serve their country.
“We righted a wrong,” said Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, the independent from Connecticut who led the effort to end the ban. “Today we’ve done justice.”
I am almost 21 years old. But I am a complete baby when I don’t feel good and when I am very tired (I am currently both… damn insomnia). I just want attention and someone to love me and hug me. That used to be my mom.
I remember the first time I got sick at college, it was well into my freshman year, around finals. I made my best friend sit with me for hours. He also bought me Gatorade. I called my mom like twice a day but never told her I was sick because I didn’t want to worry her.
And now there is no best friend and no mommy.
I hate being alone right now, so much that I can’t even put it into words. But I also don’t want to be around just anyone, it has to be one of the few people that I am completely comfortable around. Unfortunately, none of those people are a possibility and that sucks.
Ugh. I really just need to grow the fuck up. I feel pathetic.
I'm attempting to be more positive about my relationship.
Really, the past few days I think I have done mostly really good. But goodness, it is hard. So much harder than it should be. I hate missing someone all the time. And I hate being this needy, jealous creature that I become because the missing part is so severe. I know that eventually it will be better. I know that I get to see him in 8 days, and I can totally manage 8 days on my own. But that’s when I think of the fact that it feels like this is never ending. Yes, I will see him over christmas, and yes, we have agreed to make more of an effort to keep visting regularly, never going more than five weeks without seeing each other next semester. But after next semester, there is another whole year. I feel as if I am going to spend all of my time missing someone and that’s not very much fun. I know things would be better… I would be less needy… if I got to have the physical closeness of a normal relationship.
The only way I can see of really making it better is for us to be in the same place, and I don’t know if that is possible until May 2012 (unless I give up graduating).
This isn’t me saying that I don’t love my boyfriend or that I don’t want to be in this relationship because I do love him and I do want to be with him. This is just me typing out the things that are in my brain in an attempt to be able to get to sleep tonight,
This has been my worst semester of college ever. I’m honestly not surprised. I lost all motivation this semester, but I am starting to get a little better, I hope. I really hope this doesn’t effect my financial aid though. Damn it.
The temperature in my room refuses to be anything even close to comfortable. It’s getting super annoying. If I have to choose, I choose to be colder because it is much easier to climb under a few blankets than it is to take off all my clothes.
I just realized that I have not put on make up and did my hair (or just really gave a damn about my appearance) in a really long time. It bothers me how depressed I have been for a lot of this semester. The not putting on make-up thing is little, but it’s just like this little piece of my apathy. (It’s not like I wear make-up everyday normally, but I do put in some effort sometimes)
My spanish grade is a c+. The only other grade I know right now is my fiction writing class and it is a b+. I normally hate the plus/minus system but I am thankful for it right now. I really need my two other grades to be A’s. But I don’t think they will be. Yay for potentially losing my scholarship (said in a completely sarcastic way).
I have to re-sign up for direct deposit. I keep forgetting. It’s not my fault they make us re-sign up every year even though we were only supposed to have to do it once. This is a very minor complaint, it’s just a bit annoying.
I’m excited to hang out with friends tomorrow. I have been way unsocial for a way long time. I’m going to some friends’ house for a late birthday dinner. I’m taking the tall ginger and the roommate (they are her friends too). It will be nice to spend some time with her since it’s been a while. The current relationship with the tall ginger is still pretty awkward but I usually have fun around him.
I get to see D. on the 23rd. I’m excited. He will be meeting my family (or at least the part I claim) for the first time. They tend to be loud and inappropriate. I’m a little scared at how it’s going to turn out.
If I am being completely honest, I have to say, I am pretty over this whole long distance thing. The time difference can be really draining and just not cool. I end up staying up later than I should sometimes because I want to talk. Plus, it’s pretty late my time when it is still pretty early his time so it’s just weird. I hate missing out on the physical aspect of the relationship. I hate missing out on all the little things you have when you are around someone in person. Like, you know, eye contact. Skype is a godsend, but it only helps so much. Ugh. I love him though.
This time last year, she had been through so much but I really thought that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to have more time to get to be friends with her. She used to sing Christmas songs all the time and she loved the movie Elf. She had this habit of waiting until everyone was sleeping to turn it up really loud. I loved it. There is so much going on right now, so many big decisions that need to be made, and I wish more than anything I could talk to her about it. But I can’t and that sucks. I’m trying to enjoy Christmas anyway and to not think about the fact that she isn’t here but it’s hard.
College has made me more aware of all the things I don't know
When I gradated high school, I was convinced I was really smart. College has taught me I’m not. I’m average at best and that averageness is made much worse because of my tendency to procrastinate and just not give a damn.