This is going to make me sound really fucking ridiculous and just pretty terrible. But whatev. It’s true.
I have never once tried to get something and not actually got it (A very smart person pointed out that this probably just means I underachieve… which is probably really fucking true). Usually, when I run for an office or apply for a job, I get it. I don’t know how to deal with rejection because I have never had to. I have always got exactly what I wanted.
Tonight I didn’t. I lost out on a position I really wanted in a group that I really care about it. I am trying really hard to deal with it, but I am really not doing so great. It doesn’t help that I completely dislike the guy that I lost to. I swear I am not just saying that, I dislike him well before today. He has rubbed me the wrong way since I met him and I just am not thrilled about the idea of him representing me.
I guess it’s good that I am learning to deal with rejection now instead of later.
Also, the bitch in me is looking forward to the ‘I told you so’ part when he doesn’t do his job.
Maybe this is selfish, but I feel like most of the people I know who are seeking relationships are doing so to make themselves feel better, to fill some sort of void.
I’ve never had a real boyfriend, I date a guy who was a dick and cheated on me and yes, I get lonely. Incredibly lonely. Yes, I get crushes on guys for the stupidest reasons (like the cute kid in my video production class made a music video for white and nerd, in which he was nerd. And let me tell you, NERDS DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT. IT’S BLOWING MY MIND) and I know love doesn’t just fall out of the air, it takes a lot of work.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I still haven’t found anyone who is worth the work.
I felt like this for so long.
I think this is a good mind set to have. And ultimately, your relationships will be better as a result of it.
I needed this weekend. For the sake of my relationship, I needed this weekend.
It’s so hard being so far apart sometimes, especially when I am stressed and I don’t feel like he cares, but then I spend time with him. I laugh with him. I talk with him. I watch him interact with other people. And I realize just how completely worth it he is.
I have one more week of classes left. Then finals and a ton of job related things to do. I can survive. I can.
I need summer vacation. Even though since I am working over the summer, it is basically going to be the same with no classes.
I just had a pap smear. The lady was like a foot shorter than me and it was just awkward.
I had a pelvic exam when I was sixteen and I remember being so embarrassed that I turned really red and almost cried. I’ve improved so much. She had her head between my legs and I managed to carry on a conversation about school. Go me!
I’m not really in a bad mad. I’m not sad. I’m just unsure of everything today.
Some of it is just some serious doubts about work. I don’t know if I should be doing this job or not. Some of it is personal. I wish I could call my mom and tell her about boys and my doubts and my hopes and everything. I wish I could talk to her about not knowing what I want to do with my life.
I just wish she could still tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I’m not going to pretend like we always had this perfect enlightening conversations. That’s not the case at all. Our experiences were so different that much of the time she did not understand. But she never failed to make me feel better and like things would be okay.
I’m always a little bummed out by power weekends (basically I have to stay in my building for an entire weekend and work). It’s much worse when there is something that would be more fun that the vast majority of my friends are doing.
I am really realizing how much I have started to hate working here (which really considering how psyched I was to start, it’s saying a lot). I love my job and I love the residents I have. But this building is starting to kill me (I kind of hate it more than any other building on campus). Hearing that all of my favorite co-workers are not returning definitely ruins my mood.Knowing that the sub-par head staff is returning doesn’t help.
I have so much to do over the next week and it really just all seems pointless to me. I have always procrastinated, but this is the first time in my college career that I have really just felt no motivation to do anything. I don’t even know why.
Fuck. All I really want right now is a hug and just someone to tell me things are going to be okay. I don’t want someone to tell me what I need to do. I just want someone to tell me it will be okay. I want my mom.
I finally gave my tumblr a makeover. It was beyond needed.
I figured now is as good a time as any to restate what the purpose of this is.
This blog is mine. It’s for me to write down things when I can’t sleep, for me to vent when I am frustrated, for me to post things I like. Sometimes, I am happy and excited and nice and friendly and sometimes I am not. I will not apologize for either.
If you don’t like my opinions or the way that I say them, well, that sucks for you. Go read something nicer.
I don’t really care about what people think of my blog. I hope you find it entertaining sometimes, but ultimately, it’s just a way for me to keep my sanity. That’s all that matters.
Question: If I don’t know you or care enough to follow your tumblr, do you really think your opinion matters to me?
Answer: fuck no.
Also, just as a side note, you are not entitled to have an opinion about who someone else sleeps with unless you know them personally and tell them privately. I don’t want to hear anyone tell me that it is inappropriate for two men or two women that love each other to sleep together. Fuck that shit.