Some personal crap that is totally unnecessary to read.
Last week was bad. Really bad. One of the worst weeks I think I might have ever had. Someone made a comment that, while slightly rude, should not have affected me nearly as much as it did. It was simple really. He said I was self-centered. I should have been able to laugh it off. But I couldn’t. I still haven’t completely. The reason it’s still bothering me so much is because it’s true. I am self-centered. It’s not like this is a new realization. It’s something I have always known.
I like to say that I am working on it, that I am trying to be better. The truth is, I’m not. I don’t always care about other people. God, that’s so fucking awful. I don’t even know how to change it though. How do you go go about changing something that is such a part of who you are? Is it even possible?
Can I will myself to care about things, about people, when I just don’t? It’s weird really because there are some things I care about and I do love all those that I am close too, but as a whole, I don’t give a fuck. My world, my experiences are always going to be more important than yours. Is that wrong? Probably. I don’t even know why… I don’t realize it until after I have done it. I do care that your day was bad, it just doesn’t matter as much as the fact that my day was bad.
You know, the more time I spend thinking about myself, like actually analyzing my personality, the less I like myself. I’m not honest or caring or selfless. I’m rude and judgmental and self-involved. I don’t really like people; I only like them in theory. Am I capable of changing myself… of becoming less judgmental and less self-centered? I think I am, but I don’t know if I am willing to or ever will.
